


The List

by Kati67



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Drug Use, Holmes Brothers, Multi, Sherlock Holmes and Feelings, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:20:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5623708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kati67/pseuds/Kati67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sherlock’s plane landed he was completely wasted, all drugged up. It had been a shock to see him like that. Even more so to learn that he had such a history of it without him knowing about it, he had lived in the same apartment for years! Or that Mycroft had been through it before with Sherlock. Why hadn’t anyone told him about it? To be perfectly honest, he had felt left out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List

**Author's Note:**

> After 'The Abominable Bride' a lot of things are on my mind. New theories, new fic ideas. But that list... that had to come out first.. or at least one of them.

'Dr Watson’ although Mycroft sounded controlled there was a hint of concern in his voice.

‘How can I help you, Mycroft?’ John stood in the doorway of his home not knowing whether to let him in or not.

‘May I come in?’ Mycroft made the decision for him.

‘Right, yes, of course’ John opened the door ‘Mary isn’t home right now but she will be shortly. Can I get you a cup of tea?’

‘No thank you. I will come straight to the point’ Mycroft stood in the cosy living room, umbrella in hand even though it was a bright sunny day.

‘Okay’ John felt a bit uncomfortable. Ever since Sherlock went away only to come back after 10 minutes they had hardly spoken about any of it. John felt it was his fault a bit. He was very busy with making sure the nursery was ready for when the baby would arrive.

‘Have you seen Sherlock lately?’ Mycroft asked ‘or talked to him?’

John felt uneasy all of a sudden ‘No, I haven’t, why?’

‘Neither have I’ Mycroft looked at John ‘I thought maybe you would have seen him, worked on a case with him’

‘No we haven’t had any case since… since he’s back’

‘Ah, well I think we have a problem then’ Mycroft’s face had turned to a slight shade of grey.

‘You don’t think, surely he hasn’t…’ John couldn’t even finish the sentence.

When Sherlock’s plane landed he was completely wasted, all drugged up. It had been a shock to see him like that. Even more so to learn that he had such a history of it without him knowing about it, he had lived in the same apartment for years! Or that Mycroft had been through it before with Sherlock. Why hadn’t anyone told him about it? To be perfectly honest, he had felt left out. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t contacted anyone, either Sherlock or Mycroft after Sherlock got back. His pride was affected so to speak. He was sure Mycroft would keep an eye on his younger brother but if Mycroft even didn’t know about the whereabouts of Sherlock?

‘I’m afraid so’ Mycroft finally said ‘This is how it always starts’

‘But he promised, in the plane he promised’

‘Sherlock always promises’ Mycroft said with a deep sigh ‘and who do you think is the one who can pick up the pieces after a broken promise?’

John nodded, he knew all too well. He had been there, done that. No more he had said after he had gotten married to Mary. Even when he saw Sherlock on the plane, it shocked him. He wanted to distance himself from it, it hurt too much. But if Sherlock was out there somewhere…

‘Okay’ he whispered ‘okay I will bloody well go out there again and look for him’

‘Thank you’ Mycroft softly said and put his hand on John’s arm. ‘Of course I am too, we’ll keep in contact’

John nodded and walked Mycroft to the door. Damn Sherlock, he thought.

\--

Of course Mary had urged him to go after Sherlock, she would he’d known that. He even felt a tiny bit of guilt. What if he had gone to Sherlock sooner, would this have happened? He had looked all over London in all the places he could think of only to end up in Baker Street again. Mrs H hadn’t seen him for days she’d said. So John paced up and down thinking of where he might be when all of a sudden the door swung open and Sherlock swayed in. His hair was messy and his clothes dirty. He had bags under his eyes and his pupils were dilated.

‘Oh hello John’ he said speaking slow ‘what brings you here?’

Sherlock walked over to his couch like a drunk and fell on it, face down.

‘For god sakes Sherlock’ John shouted.

‘Not so loud John’ Sherlock put a pillow over his head.

‘You’ve been away for days on end, not letting anyone know where you are only to show up finally I might add looking like this?’

‘Who are you, my brother?’

‘List’ John said.

Sherlock turned around slowly ‘What?’

‘List’ John said again.

‘Are you out of your mind?’

‘Do I need to call Mycroft?’

‘Oh please indulge me’

‘Sherlock, bloody hell’ John bent over and went through Sherlock’s pockets.

Sherlock started to giggle ‘You’re tickling me’

‘Jeez Sherlock give me the damn list!’

‘Oh brother mine’ John suddenly heard next to him and turned around to see Mycroft had come in.

‘Mycroft’

‘John, I got here at the right time I see’

‘Mycroft, how good of you to come’ Sherlock said still giggly.

‘You are a mess Sherlock’

‘Yeah well, aren’t we all?’

‘List Sherlock’ Mycroft said.

‘Haven’t got one’

‘Sherlock, you always have one’

‘I don’t have one now. You know it’s fascinating’ Sherlock rambled on still under the influence of something or other ‘your hair is glowing’

‘Redbeard’ Mycroft suddenly said.

‘What?’ Sherlock and John said at the same time.

‘Redbeard’ Mycroft repeated.

All of a sudden it was like all lights were switched off in Sherlock’s eyes. He started staring and stopped rambling. He reached in his pants pocket and handed Mycroft a list softly saying ‘Not fair’

‘How…?’ John started but Mycroft stopped him and took John and the list to the kitchen where he put the kettle on.

Sherlock was still on the couch, his head under the pillow.

‘Years ago we had a dog called Redbeard’ he whispered ‘Sherlock was crazy about that dog. The day the dog died, something snapped. Caring isn’t an advantage Dr Watson, not for some people. Some people can care so much for others that they block their feelings. When someday they believe they feel too much they feel the need to supress those feelings again; in Sherlock’s case he started using drugs. At first sleeping pills or other kind of pills, but it gotten worse as he got older and when he started to feel more and more. One day I found him in some ghastly drug pawn and ever since that day we agreed he’d make a list of the things he had been using so I can help him. But sometimes he is on such a high nothing will help him, I can’t get my hands on the list or he is out of control. Then and only then we have a code word’

‘Redbeard’ John said.

‘Redbeard’ Mycroft nodded ‘because that is the only one that will get him back to his feelings again and reminds him of caring and in some way also of the ones he loves and why he wants to stay alive even though he has drugs in his system’

‘Why do you think he was using this time?’

‘He thinks that using drugs will help him better to think or to get into his Mind Palace as he calls it. But sometimes he also uses as an escape’

‘As an escape for what?’

‘For not feeling’ Sherlock’s voice came from the couch.

Mycroft poured the tea and they walked over to the couch.

‘What was it this time Sherlock?’ Mycroft gently put a blanket over his younger brother.

‘Feeling’ Sherlock mumbled drowsily.

‘There, there’ Mycroft patted Sherlock’s back ‘it will alright’

As Sherlock fell asleep, Mycroft whispered to John ‘I’ll stay here John, you go on home’

‘Will it be alright?’ John wondered.

‘It will, just give him some time. He is a complicated man, he just needs some adjusting. It will be alright’

When John was gone Mycroft opened the list and read;

Dear brother,

Never wake me again. I’m not so sure I will make it or if I will be alright again or if I ever was.

Caring may not be an advantage, pretending not to care isn’t either. Or feeling not cared for…

I know you love me, brother, but the one person who truly matters… well…

SH

Mycroft shook his head and with a sigh folded the piece of paper and put it in his notebook.  
‘Poor little brother’ he mouthed. ‘I will take care of you, I promise’  
Mycroft took a book from a shelf, made himself some more tea and sat down in a chair next to the couch.  
‘You sleep it off Sherlock, I’ll be here, I will always be here’ and started reading.


End file.
